/ Ramble

A Cinnamon Pyre

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom - Anaïs Nin

I started to write something about change itself. About the nature of change, and how challenging it can be to recognize it, about how traumatic change can be. But that is not what I am really feeling. It's not what I'm thinking about.

Sometimes talking clinically about a process will let us pretend that we are not in the process itself. And that luxury is tempting. But I shall take the harder road tonight.

Change is coming for me. I can feel it. I am dissatisfied, frustrated, discontent. I have ennui. I am frequently under the weather and I am distressingly easy to upset. My emotions are nearer to the surface than they have been at any time in recent memory.

I am looking around my life, my environment, and casting about for what it is that needs to change. And there are many things.

  • I'm a member of the Brotherhood of the Phoenix, and I want to create change in that community.
  • I'm a Data Architect, and I want to create change in my team and the systems I work in.
  • I feel called to teach more, to write more, go create more.
  • I want my living space to feel more whole, more ordered.

There are others, large and small. But these changes are not coming for me. These are changes that I am wreaking. No, the change that is coming for me is bigger and smaller, and more importantly, I am afraid of it.

It's OK to be afraid. I know that. Still, I am uncomfortable with my fear. I thought earlier tonight that I didn't know what was coming. But I do. I've known for months.

It's time to step a bit more into the light. To be seen more than I have before.

Perhaps for some of you that seems like a small thing. I would like very much to stay that it is indeed something I am ready for. But it is not.

I'm not comfortable center stage. I'm discomforted when people look at me. I feel trapped when people rely upon me.

And those are just a few of the reasons why I am so scared. But change comes onward anyway. Now all I have to do is find the courage to embrace it.